Short Short “News” Story: The Death of Sarcasm by Bludgeon

Sarcasm has died, it did so by being bludgeon over the head. In it's heyday it was almost underused, as many people did not get Sarcasm. Hiding in the shadows, it was only called upon when necessary. Sarcasm was like Zorro and had razor-like wit. Recently, it was so overused it had become bloated and was suffering from obesity and type-2 diabetes. It may have been too many “rants” by Dennis Miller that have been mutated by our youth. The mutation was less intelligent, even more snarky and the quick rapier turned into a large bludgeon.

It pains this writer to have to report the death of Sarcasm. She has depended upon Sarcasm as a defense mechanism since high school. What can be used now? Prat-falls and silly comedy are great for others but what if another George W. Bush gets in the White House?

Police are looking into Sarcasm's death as they used it's services as much as anyone else. Though the comedy autopsy leads only to one conclusion. That is the saddest of all, was this was suicide, as Sarcasm held the bludgeon that bashed itself over the head. Maybe it was by mistake, for it is difficult to use a bludgeon if you have a heart condition. Another working theory was that it was forced to kill itself by the writers of “Black Adder,” they didn't want to do it, but considered it a mercy killing. Or, perhaps since the world has become so jaded, and Sarcasm has been so overused, that it finally realized it had completely lost it's edge, and therefore it's relevance in our world today.

10 Ways To Be Eco-Friendly For Those Of Us That Don't Own A VOLT

Yesterday was Earth Day. Yeah! Feeling guilty for what we are doing to the planet? Yeah! Let's just say it is hard to be environmental if you don't have the green. I am not talking about the green attitude, I am saying that it is a lot easier to be environmentally conscious if you are rich. Yet, there are things that we can all do that are inexpensive, and can even save us money and conserve energy and resources. This is an expansion of a Facebook post I did yesterday, and have been thinking of how our family tries to help out, which helps our pocketbook as well as the planet and even an IDIOT could do these things!

1. Line or “rack” dry your clothes. I know what your are going to say. “My HOA does not allow me to line dry my clothes outside.” Well, what about your garage? Here in Arizona, our garages turn into large heaters just from the tremendous amount of heat being thrown to us by the Sun. Even in the winter, my garage heats up sometimes from the way the solar heat radiates off our garage since it is south facing. If you live in Minnesota you are out of luck in the winter, but the summer should work. My HOA probably still does not approve, but I have seen other neighbors do it as well and what happens in the garage, stays in the garage. OK, what if you do not have a garage or space in the garage? Do you have a spare area in your house, such as an office or bedroom? Then you can dry your laundry there, it may take longer, but that just means you do not have to fold it and put the clothes away just yet!

2. If you use a dishwasher, do not use the heated dry option. Just open the door when it is done, or if there are wet dishes put them on a rack to dry or dry them right then and there. It is not difficult when putting dishes away to dry them as well. I also try to keep it to one load (or less) a day unless we are in some sort of holiday when the dish usage goes amuck.

3. I try to go to the grocery store once or twice a week. You just need to plan your meals and your trips. There are items that will be missed, and unless you can walk to your store, can you wait? I know it is great to get items at the peak of freshness, but if you have something that might get bad soon, just eat that veggie first!
   
   
4. Speaking of food - It is usually less expensive to eat at home and usually better for the environment. Since fewer resources are usually used. Sure, there are solar powered pizzerias out there, but they are still few as compared to McDonalds on every corner.
   
   
5. One more food/drink related item. I am a major ice tea addict cause water gets boring. Unsweetened tea thank you very much, but the reasons for that I will leave to another post. Instead of drinking the drudge that is called ice tea from most to-go places, I make my own. My wonderful Mother-In-Law got me an Ice Tea Maker years ago and I still use it. Then I just add ice and the tea to my favorite washable large cup and have a tasty and healthy beverage on the go. I also try to have water for the kids in older kids type sippy cups. You need to stay hydrated in a desert!
   
   
6. Got something that you are finished with, but it still works? Give it to Goodwill or a Rummage Sale. Our church, Lord Of Grace in Marana, Arizona, is having a Rummage Sale next Saturday. I am hoping to give them some items. Or you could do a garage sale, but I found those to be more trouble than they are worth. Might as well give it to a good cause than have to haggle over your used goods.
   
   
7. Reusable bags are not very expensive and sometimes you get them for free at book festivals! Then they are reusable until there are holes in them. Ours are getting to that point. It still beats all those annoying plastic bags. If I do get those annoying bags, I try to reuse them or take them back to the store where they have plastic bag recycling.
   
   
8. In Tucson, if you are a homeowner, you get a big blue barrel to use to recycle plastics, paper, aluminum, etc. Use that can! If you are an apartment renter, I understand, but when you get large items in cardboard boxes and stuff, those items can be recycled at some local parks where there are large recycling canisters. 
   
   
9. I will not say anything about anyone's thermostat and how you deal with heating or cooling your home since there are many opinions on the subject. The one thing I will say is to keep your heater and air conditioner in good working order. If it is broken but still spewing heated or cooled air you could pay a pretty penny in energy bills, believe me, we know. 
   
   
10. We only own one car. Crazy, I know, but that is how we roll. My husband takes the bus to work. He also hates to drive, so this is a win win for him as long as the bus is on time and the riders are a pleasant bunch. That is not always the case, but he still prefers it to driving. So no, we do not own a Volt, and from what I am hearing, I do not think I want to own one. Our car is a mini-van so it does not sip the gas but sometime chug it. So, we just try to drive less.

I am sure there are many more ways to be eco-friendly, but these are ours because they are budget-friendly too! Anyone else got any eco and budget-friendly tips?

Short Short Story: "Jury Duty"

Rebecca Smithe was in the United States illegally.

I came from England to be a governess, although they now say “au pair,” I prefer governess. Each family found me to be too strict. One father said I was too “old school.” My visa was for one year. I could not re-new it since I found herself working on and off but never being able to stay since I always made the children cry.

Well if they would just listen to me, she thought, and do as they are told we would not have a problem. I got a car when I had the first job. You have to have a car in Phoenix. It is too bloody hot to take a bus in the summer.

One day I got a notice to serve on a jury in the Maricopa County court system. It seems they send out jury duty notices to anyone who owns a car. I cannot do this, can I? God, I want to. I always loved judging other people. The world is so messed up these days. I know best, my mother always told me so. I would make a perfect juror. To sit in judgment of someone else was my life's dream. I could have become a Solicitor, or even a Judge, if my marks had been better. Those awful teachers always hated me and never gave me the marks I deserved!

I am going to do it! No one would suspect me...

Perspective

Facebook is like a big party. Most posts are happy. Sometimes people post that they are sick. I posted a while ago wondering why “Why are Midnight to 3 AM the child puking hours? I understand about adults, who come back from bars, but children who seemed fine when they went to sleep? Well, Cole seems fine now but it is going to be a lazy day just to make sure”.

Sometimes someone gets fed up. That happened to a friend of mine. She posted about medical costs when uninsured and dealing with severe illness for a family member.

Later that day I met someone who seemed to have it all together. She is someone who I trust. That day she was stressed. The weekend before her house had been robbed and she and her husband were trying to deal with the aftermath. Then they found out that the housing insurance they thought they were paying for was not going to cover this, because they were not really paying housing insurance. Their mortgage was in the process of being sold (something they had nothing to do with) and they got screwed.

I write this to ask that people try to not immediately be snarky to others. I know it is difficult, I do it all the time. Sarcasm is my defense against an unkind world. These incidents reminded me that we cannot at all times “have it together”. We all have stress.

It is nice to go on Facebook and see jokes and pictures of our friends. It relieves our stress and helps us feel connected even if we don't see our friends for years. It is nice to just talk to people about the weather and all the good things going on in life.

There are times when this social media (and just being social) can help us to understand our friends in a way that we may not have because when they vent, we see that we are all human and sometimes our problems can seem daunting. This venting can create strife but I hope just like with my friends, it can help us to gain perspective on our own problems and be more sympathetic to others.

I posted something on Facebook later that day after hearing these problems of others. “Perspective day for me. Have heard two stories within two hours that made me say, "I will pray for you". Be nice to people, you do not know what they may be dealing with.”

Shameless Self-Promotion And A Comment About The Book

Happy April Fools Day! Because this is the most foolish of all holidays and the only comedy holiday, it is time to do promotion for the book. Great Minds Think Aloud is doing a giveaway for “The Chronicles of IDIOT” for the next 9 days. Yes, from April 1st-9th there are ten free digital copies and 5 free paperbacks available. All you have to do is sign up and you could win! On April 4^th, GMTA will also be posting an interview with little old me.

I wanted to say a few things about interpretations of my book. Satire is famously misunderstood. That is how I often feel about myself. In listening to the arguments in the Supreme Court about the Healthcare law in the past weeks, it has made me think that some may misinterpret my book as a anti-government. It is not! It is anti-dumbing down of our country. I would like people to think about why the distractions that they sometimes think are so important (like celebrity culture), when other things (such as education of their children) are barely considered. The government angle was just convenient and while I am against waste, but not spending when it can help educate our children, science, and take care of people who are in trouble. I cringe when people get so judgmental and say that all government spending is awful. They would probably quickly change their tune if their luck turned. The luck of the country seems to be turning, the recession seems to be ending. And amazingly, that is NOT and April Fools Joke!

UPDATE: 4/4/12

My interview with GMTA is now posted and can be found at this link. Also to clarify their giveaway contest here is some information: you can see which books are available for giveaways on this page, then you sign up for their giveaway contest on this page and state which book you would like to win.

A big THANK YOU to all of you who read this blog and enter the contest. May the odds be ever in your favor... sorry, couldn't resist!

 

Chronicles of Idiocy 5: The Republican Presidential Candidates Must Think We Are Idiots

My husband loves watching political races. I am interested but also try to keep a distance lest I get too angry. Just in the past week the Republican candidates (or their workers) who all desperately want to be the Republican representative to run against President Obama, have said some incredibly stupid things. My question is why would we vote for any of these jokers?

Rick Santorum: The perfect candidate for the year 1620. Yes, he would be the perfect Puritan candidate for the pilgrims that landed on Plymouth Rock. Despite the fact that he is a Catholic, he seems to be more in step with our puritan ancestors than for the United States in 2012. Just last week he stated that a true conservative president did not care about the economy or the unemployment rate. On matters of womens reproductive activities, he is all about government interference. When it is about business, he is all about the government not interfering.

Newt Gingrich: Why is he still running? Seriously. My guess he is running for Vice-President or just sell more books. He told NPR and everyone else: this is “the most important election in our lifetime.” Cause every other presidential election was not important at all. My biggest problem with this “Washington Outsider” and “Not a Lobbyist” is that he is really a Washington insider and a lobbyist. For me, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it's a duck. He is a Washington insider, he was Speaker of the House for goodness sake! And I don't care if he says he was a 'Consultant', he quacked like a lobbyist for Freddie Mac and certainly got paid for it.

Ron Paul: The Secret Service is a form of welfare. Well, millionaire-type welfare but welfare just the same. So, to continue with this type of libertarian thinking then regular police are a form of welfare. If we all had guns, we wouldn't need police, right? Well, our population would be much lower in a libertarian type United States.

Mitt Romney: “Mr. I Pay 13.8% Tax” wants us to shake up that etch-a-sketch according to his aide, Eric Fehnstrom. He is now saying how conservative he is but after he gets the nomination he will be a big-time centrist. Anyone who signed a bill into law that covers all people of Massachusetts for Healthcare is at least a centrist. I don't say this is a bad thing, I just wish he would be honest about what type of politician he would be for the United States.

Unfortunately, all politicians do this “appeal to the base” then run to the center. It makes us have to guess where their loyalties truly lie. But, if I was to have to guess, I would say that their loyalties are to the millionaires and billionaires who give to the Super-Pacs. Why else would these politicians be advocating for lower taxes for the rich?

Democrats do annoying things but usually don't say annoying things. Rep. Anthony Weiner tweeting a picture of himself to a “fan” was just plain stupid. The one exception in my memory is from my own Representative, Raul Grijalva, who said to boycott Arizona due to the illegal immigration law, SB1070. Arizona was already the laughing stock of the country. You did not make too many fans with that one, Raul.

I am an Independent. I am just the type of voter that these types want to attract, but these things they say really stick in my memory. I don't think an etch-a-sketch moment will happen for any of them for this election or in 2016.

Bloomin' Arizona!

Spring is one of my favorite times in Arizona. Winter has left us (sort of) and the daytime temperatures are between 65 and 85 degrees Fahrenheit. I know other places around the world get to look forward to daffodils and tulips blooming but we get to look forward to wildflower season. Our deserts are quite beautiful (especially this time of year) and are the most biologically diverse deserts in the world.

Depending upon a great many things, such as how much and when the rain falls, sunlight, frost conditions and quite a few other things that we are not even sure about, the wildflowers will bloom. Some years the desert is empty with only a few blooms here and there. Other years there are spots where the ground is carpeted with orange, purple and pink. You can often find wildflowers near Saguaro National Park east or west of Tucson, near Picacho Peak north of Tucson, sometimes around the Superstition Mountains east of Mesa, or just sometimes along the road like Silverbell Rd. in Tucson.

I am going to show some wildflowers that were blooming right outside our house last week.

 

Here is my daughter taking pictures of flowers as well.

First is the most famous of our wildflowers, although it has a neighbors name cause it blooms there too. The California Poppy (Eschscholzia californica ssp. mexicana) is a beautiful delicate orange flower.

Next is the Desert Marigold (Baileya multiradiata):

Penstemon parryi – Parry's Beardtongue

Fiveneedle Pricklyleaf (Thymophylla pentachaeta)

And lastly, Phacelia crenulata – Cleftleaf Wildheliotrope – It's so darn cute!

I should say that I got all of my wildflower information from fireflyforest.net, a really nice website for Plants and Wildlife of Arizona, Hawaii, and Costa Rica. Also, if you haven't guessed, I am not a professional photographer and those flowers are not at their bloomiest. But, that means what you see will look more like this than what the perfect flower on the perfect day with the perfect light looks like.

All these blooms also mean its allergy season, which is not fun. When the citrus or the Palo Verde trees start to bloom, I start to sneeze. I am glad in a way that I am sneezing from our lemon tree. Last year we had such a bad frost that the lemon tree did not produce any lemons for this year. We actually had to buy lemons! I then juiced them and froze the juice cubes so we can use the lemon juice all year round.

If you do not make it to see the wildflowers this year, in May and June you can see our Saguaro's bloom a beautiful white flower that attracts bats at night.

I know this is a different blog for me but I really wanted to share the beauty of the Arizona desert!