Probably TMI (Too Much Information)

The blog below is probably TMI, but hey... isn't that what a blog is for?

I have a confession to make. I have in the past been a depressed person. Heck, given the current state of politics and the economy, I am only a partially depressed person now, thanks to medication. This medication helps me from letting my moods get the best of me. But, in a way, I think it is a badge of honor to say I am depressed. A recent psychology article shows evidence that mildly depressed people seem to see the world for what it is, where “normal” people see it for what they want it to be. Yes, I would love to see the world for what I want it to be, but I guess I have my reality knob stuck at 11.

Part of what makes me a depressed person is that my guilt knob is also occasionally stuck at 11. I can feel guilty for many things. I worry about many things. It is part of my nature. My book (available NOW on Amazon *plug*) is not perfect. I had to let that go cause it would take me years to perfect it, and that would drive me crazy in the process. So I let it go, but I will feel guilty when someone e-mails me to let me know I used a comma when I should have used a semi-colon. It used to bother me more, but now, while I will feel guilty, I will also know that this person is one of those people. You know what I mean by one of those people, the ones who want to “help” and love pointing out faults. Honestly, those people get on my nerves. I know it would be good to be grateful, but some people just push it too far, most of the time, they see things as black and white.

A good reason for my feelings of guilt is because I see shades of gray. I don't try to things in black and white. I also don't take many things in the bible literally. But many people do, and think that is the only right way to see things. I was raised as a Lutheran, and we have our own brand of guilt. Yes, the Jews and Catholics think they have the market cornered on guilt, but we Lutherans can dish it out just as well. Especially the conservative ones. Heck, Michelle Bachmann “was” a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran, until her cronies told her it would not work as well as being a member of a “Non-Denominational” Christian. I was raised an ELCA Lutheran, and we are more liberal, but guilt still can abound.

In my working past, I worked in science. Whenever things did not go well (as my boss expected) I always wondered if it was something I did. Could I have done something different to make the outcome better. My last position did this type of repetition ad nauseum. That was really because my boss was not that original, but back then I blamed myself. It took me a long time to let go of science. I liked a lot of things about the job, but the guilt was too much. If I have to go back to that kind of work, I will, and hopefully I will not blame myself too much if things go wrong.

Now, I am a mother and a writer. I have the freedom to be a writer. If I get things wrong, it is only on me. I am not potentially ruining the lab's chances at future funding. I really enjoy this freedom. I think this is what I am supposed to do now, but that does not mean I don't wonder what it would be like to be back in a lab, making actual (but small amounts) of money, doing science, and talking to human adults about work and life. I love raising and therefore talking to my kids, but it is not the same.

I have always been fascinated by biology and therefore, evolution. Many scientists call evolution the glue that brings all the biological sciences together. It is one of those shades of gray I see. I believe in God but also believe God brought life to the planet by evolution. I also feel that people can change, and since it usually takes longer than ten minutes, it could be considered an evolution, of a sort. I am hoping to evolve to accept myself for who I am. And to help my children, if they get weighed down by guilt or depression. Mild depression just means you see the world for what it is, and that is the first step to knowing how to change it. I recently tweeted “Sometimes I think this country is a big #assholefactory.” It would be helpful to try to change that, for my kids.